Jun 21, 2010

There’s talk, of course, that the CEO of BP is doomed, job-wise. What all the commentators, political and economic, fail to realize is this: so what?

Rich, sociopathic bastards like Tony will find another position from one of their fellow soulless friends, once again making more money than you and I will ever see in a lifetime.

It’s our middle-class naiveté—we think because he’s being degraded in the press, and might lose his employment, that he’s truly being punished. Guys like him don’t give a shit, really. It’s actually cute of us to think that our opinions, our lives, even matter to big oil men like him. So I have a further proposal.

He should be extradited to the United States, and handed over to to the South.

We know what to do with fat cat scumbags like this. Even just forcing him to endure this heat would probably constitute torture. Send him to some redneck jail in Louisiana, or Mississippi, or northwest Florida. Let him have a few years of mosquitoes and roaches, and his toothless meth-head bunkmate. Let him callus up his lily-white Englishman’s hands cleaning the goddamn Gulf of Mexico beaches, one shovelful at a time.

He should be covered in tar and dropped off on a sweltering Alabama beach, made to pick up oil with his fingers while the locals jeer and throw dead fish and birds. Let him experience the true underbelly of southern hospitality.

And when he becomes ill, he should be thrown upon the mercy of the American healthcare system and social safety net—that is, he should learn firsthand what his countryman Darwin meant.

Tony Hayward shouldn’t just lose his job—he should be stripped of his wealth, position, and all social opportunities, permanently. He should be made to experience despair comparable to what he’s caused.

Hanging’s too good for him, literally. He ought to spend the rest of his long life trapped with us in the blazing southern heat, staring directly at the ecosystem he trashed. We can’t escape it—why should he?

Osama bin Laden is dead.
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