Hey, Hipster Bitches!

Bodycon is back, right?

Well, it’s only fair–if you want to wear this:

You ought to pay your dues, and respect this:

Lycra sausage casings and high-rise jeans have a long and storied heritage that must be paid tribute. Back before you were born, nobody gave a fuck about irony—they were too busy having fun. You’ve heard of fun, right? It was really neat. People got drunk, turned the music up, sang along, and had sex with each other…all without a trace of self-mockery. Bet you wish you could.

Hope’s not lost. Innocent fun could be the latest silly retro trend. You don’t care if people laugh at your dippy plastic sunglasses or uneven beard, do you? So why should you care what they think of your new studied optimism?

Remember, kids: Spandex isn’t a toy, it’s a tool.

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