Airmail

Over at cute overload (hey, even badasses like me need kitten pix sometimes), I saw a mention of photo.stamps.com, where you can get real U.S. postage created with a digital photo that you send in. Like any semi-perverted young lady, I immediately began to imagine the possibilities for mischief; but like any fairly-disillusioned erstwhile American, I knew all the loopholes would be cinched as tight as Republican butts. To wit:

Under “Terms And Conditions”

“3. Content Restrictions

You agree not to use the PhotoStamps website or service:

A. To upload, order for print, or otherwise transmit or communicate any material for any unlawful purpose or that is obscene, offensive, blasphemous, pornographic, sexually suggestive, deceptive, threatening, menacing, abusive, harmful, an invasion of privacy, supportive of unlawful action, defamatory, libelous, vulgar, violent, or otherwise objectionable…”

Almost every service in existence any more has a rule like this, designed to preserve their reputations and keep their asses out of any stamp-sized, sex-tape-style scandals. But the wording caught my eye this time. “Obscene” and “libelous”, sure, but blasphemous? Deceptive? Sexually suggestive?

I know that it’s unique to be offered the opportunity to buy customized postage, and I appreciate the privilege. I know we need rules to keep jerks in line. And I’m a jerk too, because I really wanted stamps of my middle finger—like probably about 10,000 other people. I’m alright with that random dream being quashed in the name of decency, but it does begin to pinch when my actual, serious ideas are rendered questionable.

Come on, you could argue that stamps depicting newborn babies were “sexually suggestive”—I mean, where else do they come from? And as for “blasphemy”, if I put a stamp of a cross on the letter upside-down, is that blasphemy? How about a stamp of a pentacle, the five-sided star which is the holy symbol of the legally recognized, fastest-growing-in-America religion of Wicca?

What about a tongue piercing? What about a man’s nipple? You could say I’m nitpicking some boring legal fine print, looking for trouble; but the truth is, if I were to order personalized stamps, I’d want something that represented me, a little symbol I felt pride in as I stuck it on my letters and bills. And I have no doubt that most symbols of me would be considered blasphemous and sexually suggestive by my uptight, hostile, hypocritical government and the companies that suck up to them.

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